What’s the hardest thing about not driving a car, being a
walking facet of the environment, and relying on the community? It’s not the
loss of spontaneity, options in an emergency, independence, convenience,
comfort, or dignity (although those are all true). It is living life on display. It is the inability to cry in private. Crying in public is a humiliation that is amplified by the fact that it is culturally taboo (not just awkward, like in America). But what can I do? I'm not a happy or sad crier. I cry when I'm frustrated, and I can't get angry at anyone or escape anywhere to be alone. If work is terrible and I’m asked to do things that make no sense at all
or that I consider unethical, but that I am not allowed to ask questions about;
if I spend the morning wading through bureaucracy, power trips, and corruption;
if young men shout observations about my body and small children shout
“Lekgoa!” at their friends when I pass; if coworkers remind me that I’ve gotten
very fat and my face is ugly and old looking; if people mock me, interrupt me,
laugh at me, and it all gets to be too much....I can’t just bawl on my way
home.
Here’s what crying does when you’re in public. It’s hot.
Crying makes you hotter and more dehydrated. It draws attention (which I have
more than enough of already). It attracts flies. So many flies- the
hyperactive, dive-bombing, masemo flies. It makes it very hard to look anyone
in the eye and greet him or her the way you’re supposed to, which further
strips your dignity. As a friend once told me, “I only cry in the rainy season
so no one can see the tears.”
Oh, I feel for you, sweet Becky. And don't believe the comments. You are beautiful. Love you so much. Mom C.
ReplyDeleteOh, I feel for you, sweet Becky. And don't believe the comments. You are beautiful. Love you so much. Mom C.
ReplyDeleteHard times aren't any fun at all. You've come through them with flying colors, and we're so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouraging words. They mean a lot! I do feel like we are in a better place now, but felt that the honesty was important.
ReplyDelete